Why I Want to Work for the CIA

The CIA’s website

  • It’s decent, especially for a government organization.
  • It’s easy to find what you’re looking for.
  • It’s current (there’s even an RSS news feed).
  • The copy’s accessible and the font is readable.
  • There are puzzles on the Kids Page.

The Languages

The CIA offers training in 16 different languages. And they give you “monetary incentives” if you learn them. Wow, pay me to learn a language! Paying for it myself only got me to the subjunctive tense in Spanish and to the point where the French don’t want to kill me when I visit their fair city. Just barely.

It’s Classified

Aliens. UFOs. The real reasons behind the wars. Apocalyptic messages in the Bible. Codes. The minds behind political assassinations.

Seriously, who doesn’t want to know this stuff?

The Salaries

Based on a brief glance through the open positions, the average salary with the CIA seems to be $50,000 to $100,000 a year. So, I know you make more as a hedge fund manager or a consultant. But seriously, as a sign language interpreter?

Whoa, I take that back, sign language interpreters clean up.

Anyway, $100,000 a year sounds nice.

Clandestine Service

Here are the keywords that got my attention in this job description:

  • “Clandestine”
  • “weapons of mass destruction”
  • “elite corps”
  • “national security”
  • “narcotics”

I want to be part of an elite corps of clandestine spies who traffic in weapons of mass destruction and narcotics with detailed knowledge of national security.

Oh wait, maybe I just want to be in the mafia.

Shooting is a Skill, Not a Crime

So, I didn’t see much about weapons training on the website. This is a shame.

I did find a lovely article about the Iraq War and Biological Weapons (here) and an interesting article about Vietnam (here), which you may read at your leisure.

I Can Use My Major and You Can, Too

Look! Look! They have graphic design/illustration. So, it’s not fine art, but hey, it’s something. Check out yours here.

Apply Now

You can apply to work for the CIA on their website. It can take 2 months to 1 year +, and it involves a background investigation, polygraph, a mental & physical exam, and a test to measure your potential to be coerced.

Although this does not sound like fun (especially the coercion test, which to me reads “TORTURE”), most of these skills are handy if you’re actively pursuing world domination, so I suggest you start now.

2 Comments

  1. Sarah

    In my opinion, the CIA has one thing that makes it stand far above other jobs – Secrets!! I want to know them all. I cannot, however, tell you whether I have applied . As stated on their website:Friends, family, individuals, or organizations may be interested to learn that you are an applicant for or an employee of the CIA. Their interest, however, may not be benign or in your best interest.
    Since I must keep my best interests at heart my application status is none of your business.

  2. jonathan brightwater

    I really would think certian jobs would suit me. I can establish friends of any group, and I am loyal too. Served , but my history would make people last to expect. If anyone hears this contact me, look into me and you will see I am highly int. trust me. thanks jon

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