1. Spewing Nonsense Until Your Quarry’s Soul Withers
Example: Charlie the Unicorn Goes to Candy Mountain
Effectiveness: 3 out of 5.
Difficulty to Achieve: 1 out 5 (swallow that pride, abandon all dignity & get in the van to Candy Mountain.)
My sister and I used this on my dad when we were little in order to score ice cream. Unfortunately, if applied to the wrong type of quarry (i.e. not your dad) this may result in your being slapped, maimed or shot.
2. Cultivate an Army of Zombies. Or, Become a Zombie.
Example: Jonathan Coulton’s Re: Eat Your Brains
The song here is a great illustration of zombie diplomacy, presented in video format as a nod to my old Wow-obsessed days. Killing dragons & backstabbing monsters is a great illusion of world domination, but not quite as fun as the real thing.
Alternatively, go here for Jonathan Coulton in LA if you hate Warcraft and/or animated zombies:
Effectiveness: 5 out of 5
Difficulty to Achieve: 5 out of 5 (unless you have connections I don’t have)
3. Be Frighteningly Businesslike but Genuinely Nice
Example: David Wallace (Andy Buckley), the CFO on the Office.
Effectiveness: 4 out of 5 (some people cannot be intimidated, but this is okay, because they can either become your friends, spouse, or previously alive nemeses.)
Difficulty to Achieve: Depends entirely on your confidence, charisma & how you look in suits.
This is the best method by far. Your very existence intimidates people, so you can afford to be nice without worrying about being taken advantage of or written off.
Film credit: Youtube.com, filmcow.com, spiffworld (Bringing you the finest in Jonathan Coulton/World of Warcraft videos since May 2006)
Music credit: Jonathan Coulton
Photo credit: Bill from the Reference Dept