Once I have completely dominated the world, Sarah will have an international holiday named after her.
This is because I can be bought with excellent baked goods.
Being greeted with a cupcake in the morning is a wonderful thing. Being told you should have TWO cupcakes (one for you and one for your baby) is even better. If the cupcakes have delicious frosting and teeny rainbow surprises inside, it is cause for sheer joy.
Thank you, Sarah. You win at life.
Cupcakes will be distributed on Sarah Wins at Life Day. People with babies get to have two. * Please note, babies must still be inside the womb. Babies in the stomach or outside of the womb do not qualify for a second cupcake.
You are Not A Unique Snowflake Because Your Name is Still Snowflake
Aiden, Braden, Caden and Jayden are 4 of the top 100 Boy’s Names for 2007.
Also on the list are “Kaden, Hayden and Jaden.”
This is nothing new. My graduating class was peppered with Michaels, Johns, Christophers and Matthews.
The question is, do you want to name your child something that guarantees he will be forced to use either a nickname or a last initial to differentiate him from other members of his class for the first 18 years of his life? 22, if he goes to a 4 year college.
Do You Care About the Other Snowflakes?
On the other hand, it’s your child, and you should name it what you want. At least that’s what my Mom told me, until she found out I was researching insect species as potential names. (Eleodes the Darkling Beetle is a perfectly acceptable name.)
We have a few names picked out, one in particular, but we’re not going to share it until birth. This gives us the chance to change our minds last minute, and also to discourage the unavoidable, “There was an Eleodes in my first grade class and he pooped in the cloak room,” or “Oh, I don’t like the name Beetle, it reminds me of termite infestations.”
We’re currently stuck on the middle name. We want to give him a middle name that has some meaning attached to it, since Jon can’t ever remember his, whereas I love mine, because it incorporates my Korean name, which makes me feel special and multinational. (Another plus for Eleodes – he would feel multi-species.)
The Rejects
In any case, we know for sure we can count out anything ending in a “K” as it runs into “Heller” (i.e. Zack Heller becomes Zack Keller”) and would doom him to a life of spelling out his name to government agencies and irritated credit card company representatives.
First names starting with “H” don’t work (case in point, Hubert Heller) because the alliteration just sounds silly with an H, especially if you give it a little emphasis.
Names that can be horribly nicknamed aren’t encouraged. I figure, we name him what we want, then call him by the nickname so he can own it, and also teach him Tae Kwon Do really early in life, so kids are afraid to make fun of him anyway.
The Solution
If we really get stuck, we’ll just name him Sam, after one of our cats. We’re already used to yelling that around the house, and it would be a nice shortcut on all those stupid standardized tests where you fill in the bubbles to spell out your name, because it’s only 3 letters.
Or, we could just really live it up and call him Aiden Braden Kaden Jaden Jayden Heller. We could call him “alphabet” for short.
We had another photo shoot with the baby. He’s just shy of 6 months old, and the pictures were a lot more satisfying than the ones from our last trip. In fact, he’s so much more interesting that I’m thinking of installing a webcam in my uterus.
The scary thing is, someone on Youtube has probably done this.
Anyway, this time we could see his profile and his facial features. Also, he had fingers. And, when the doctor told us that it was a boy, we didn’t have to just smile and nod, we could actually tell this was the case.
While we were watching him, he turned his face towards the camera and opened and closed his mouth repeatedly in a clear “om nom nom!”
I suspect he’s telling us to get the cheeseburgers ready – he’s on his way and he’s already hungry.
Best news of all – he’s at the right growth for his age, and he has all those important parts, like a brain and a heart and a liver.
I swear he was also waving around a little scepter, in preparation for his world takeover, but the doctor claimed that it was just his femur.
Well, doctor, we will just have to agree to disagree.
Normal people clothes don’t fit me anymore. After trying on clothes for about an hour in a store, I realized this, called Jon (who was spending this time in the Apple store), and gave up.
Happily, they have whole stores for pregnant people.
I went to the Motherhood Maternity store, and everything fit. Even more exciting was the fact that they keep a fake preggo belly in their dressing rooms. The belly is a big cushy oval with Velcro straps. I imagine it is there so people can try clothes on and get an idea of how they’ll look in a month or two.
Since I’ve read I’ll be gaining a pound a week or so for the next 4 months, I decided to try the belly on.
It was clearly awesome. Not only did it make me realize that in a couple of months I will be lucky if I can get out of my car (let alone get in behind the wheel) but now I really appreciate the size I currently am, as opposed to the size I am plus a fake preggo belly.
On a related note, since I can already feel a steady stream of kicks and punches, this also makes me wonder how they’ll feel in another month or two when he’s twice the size. Possibly, my stomach will just fall off and he’ll climb out of it like a chicken out of an egg. That’s actually kind of what I’m hoping for.
Now, if you, too, would like to try on the preggo belly, just take a trip to your local Motherhood Maternity store, snag some clothes off the rack, and sneak a camera into the dressing room. Then, post a link to the image in the comments. I dare you.
I’ve started to get to the point where I can no longer pass the pregnancy off as a fondness for Christmas cookies and beer.
Since I didn’t eat much the first four months, up until last week I hadn’t gained any weight.
But apparently, Baby Beast is making up for lost time, and he’s chowing down.
In fact, this week he has this new thing where he repeatedly punches my stomach if he’s hungry, until I feed him or else become nauseated from lack of food. Today, this resulted in eating something small every hour or so to avoid being pummeled.
Possibly, it is an advanced form of baby-communication, like some prenatal version of Morse Code, and I should be impressed.
Although, judging from his interests thus far, he is probably just spelling out C-H-E-E-S-E-C-A-K-E-N-O-W or something similar. Or, he’s inherited his father’s stellar sense of direction and is giving me detailed instructions on how to get to the nearest Outback Steakhouse.
People tell me I shouldn’t sanitize my child, or their belongings. I should avoid anti-bacterial things because they kill the helpful microbes as well as the evil ones.
I’ve been told to breastfeed as long as possible to pass on nutrients, and to take the baby outside, but not to public places filled with hordes of filthy people, like shopping malls.
I should not bathe him daily, lest his skin become irritated, dry up and fall off.
I figure, in order to satisfy these demands, I’ll just roll him around in a pile of dirt every other day, and let him play with roving packs of wild dogs.
In keeping with this theme, I have selected the perfect toys for our baby, courtesy of ThinkGeek.
Giant Plush Microbes!
Ranging from Ebola to the common cold, gangrene, mono, and my personal favorite, mange.
With any luck, the sheer size of these microbes will intimidate any actual microbes, keeping the baby healthier than one of those run-of-the-mill hapless children without cuddly toxic guardians.
Since I’ve been thinking about whether to use formula or breastfeed like a cow, milk and the lives of cows have suddenly become more interesting.
Here’s a quick video about about How Milk is Made.
The motion-activated brush doesn’t look so bad. Also, apparently, separation from the herd (while being milked) causes anxiety. Oh my god, where is my herd? Nobody told me I needed a herd. #($*&#@*).
Once I have completely dominated the world, Sarah will have an international holiday named after her.
On the other hand, it’s your child, and you should name it what you want. At least that’s what my Mom told me, until she found out I was researching insect species as potential names. (Eleodes the Darkling Beetle is a perfectly acceptable name.)
I’ve started to get to the point where I can no longer pass the pregnancy off as a fondness for Christmas cookies and beer.
