Entries from August 2009 ↓

I hate to wait for things. I also hate to wait for people. Sometimes, when someone is explaining something, I yell at them to talk faster. I adore Jon’s Dad, because he and I can actually have conversations in which we both talk and listen at the same time. Seriously. You can quiz us afterward and we’ve processed what the other person is saying.

Once, when I was in Florida helping to create a title processor training guide for the title insurance company where I worked, in the midst of a heady brainstorming session, an exasperated co-worker cried, “talk slower!” to which I replied, completely without thinking, “hear faster!”

Everyone laughed like it was a great joke, which was fortunate, but uh, I wasn’t joking.

Anyway, I’ve finally stumbled upon a form of delayed gratification that I don’t mind, due entirely to clever marketing.

Since I live with Jon, and therefore have to keep my technological toys up to date in order to keep up with all the cool stuff he’s getting into, my laptop loads programs almost instantly. Some programs take a few seconds longer than instant, and I actually get impatient while waiting. I mean, if you’re not Adobe Photoshop, you really have no reason not to load immediately.

But one program’s load time doesn’t bother me. This is because when the program loads, the tagline is “Take a deep breath.” And I do. So, not only does that buy the program some time to load, but all that extra oxygen calms me down.

If more people incorporated sneaky relaxation techniques into their delays, it would be a different world. I mean, imagine instead of “we are experiencing technical difficulties” the announcer lead everyone in a meditative chant of “om.”

Should you attempt to take over the world, I suggest that you use this technique whenever possible. This will enable you to pacify your populace as well as to buy yourself more time to stash your treasury’s gold bars in your island slush fund. And if it’s taking you awhile to get started on your global domination, I suggest you slowly stretch your arms over your head and yawn 10 or 12 times, while taking frequent herbal tea breaks.

The History: Alleluia, Let’s Get Walking

Around 1212, a large amount of poor country folk joined up to form a mass movement of followers intending to carry out the will of God.

Depending on your source, God’s will was that they A) Bring Christianity to the Heathens Across the Water, B) Follow a Miracle Worker or C) Escort a guy named Steve on his trip to bring the French King a letter from Jesus.

Why This is Awesome

Imagine 30,000 delusional minions marching off to do your bidding. Although The Omen and Village of the Damned reduce their credibility somewhat, no one really suspects children when it comes to acts of pure evil.

True, modern accounts say that the “children” were actually just poor people of all ages (the confusion arose from a mistranslation), but either way, they were pretty gullible. The first group thought the Mediterranean sea would magically part for them and the second followed a 12 year old across France.

How You Can Use This on Your Quest for World Domination

First, you need a miracle worker. I would suggest hiring David Blaine. He is impervious to ice and drowning (crossing the Alps and or the Mediterranean is not a problem) and unafraid of heights.

Then, you just need to have him gather followers. Not hard at all – his Twitter account lists 26,813.

Finally, gather them all together and set them on a holy mission. As you can see from the missions above, provided you have enough miracles to keep them interested, it is not hard to get people to do just about anything.

Have fun, but don’t forget to plan ahead so your mission ends slightly more successfully than the Children’s Crusade – in all accounts, the Crusaders end up dead, enslaved, or broken up and sent home once they reach the northern suburbs of Paris. I wish you luck.

More Information: Wikipedia Children’s Crusade article.

Image credit: Crusade & David Blaine.