For the past few weeks, I’ve been sicker than a half way run-over hedgehog on the highway. Most of my organs are still intact, but it’s still been pretty miserable.
To make myself feel better, this post will be about 5 people who have it worse than I do.
1. Jackie Berg. Jackie is the most recent Survivor Reject. And yes, I watch Survivor. It is the perfect show for aspiring world dominatrices. You slowly eliminate your enemies (and then allies) one by one, and then cackle over their burned out torches.
Anyway, it sucks to be her, because her tribe decided that physical & mental skills were less important than keeping around expendable dead weight named Kelly. Survivor has 12.85m viewers, according to this completely arbitrary site. Have you ever been humiliated in front of 12.85m people?
2. AIG’s executives. Despite their canny financial aptitude and frugality, the financial crisis has been hard on AIG’s executives. They all live in shacks and eat only rice and beans.
Oh wait. No they don’t. They go to spas and then steal my #)$*#*(%&($) tax money. Burn in Hell, AIG. Roast evenly on both sides.
3. Anyone with SARS. My sickness sucks, but SARS is worse and less curable. SARS is no joke. Although, when I was studying aboard in Italy, there were a lot of asian tourist groups with Burberry face masks hanging around the Duomo, presumably because of the risk of SARS. Near the start of the semester, I came down with bronchitis. Just to have fun with the tourists, I used to sidle up to them, look alarmed, and start coughing my face off. That was fun.
4. Anyone with stocks. According to my financial guy, the market’s dropped 40% from its high. My mutual fund weeps at night, in cold, dark corners at the end of the earth. That is where the sad funds go.
Luckily, I have approximately 200 more years before I can retire, or approximately 5 more years before I carry off the celebrity kidnapping that will fund my empire. Think A Life Less Ordinary with no singing, deux ex machinas, or berets.
5. The staff at the new Dunkin Donuts on Route 114. Apparently, it takes 6 people and 20 minutes to make an egg and cheese sandwich. I understand. This is a complex alchemy. There are eggs AND cheese involved. That’s TWO forms of dairy. And let’s not get into how difficult it must be to differentiate different types of bagels. I mean, they’re all SHAPED the same.
But the reason it sucks to be them isn’t their lack of skills or IQ. It is because, in retaliation, I will firebomb their cars. Let me give another cinematic example, but with a clearer visual. Think the Godfather, when Michael’s Sicilian sweet patootie gets into the car before it blows up. Yeah. Like that 6 times. Pew pew pew pew pew pew.
Gee, that was sure cathartic. You should try it. Whose life sucks more than yours?
And just for fun, let’s end with Avenue Q’s timeless classic, “What Do You Do with a BA in English/It Sucks to Be Us:”
3 comments ↓
I hope not to jinx, but I also feel that right now it must really suck to be old, white and working class. Your money is gone, the culture around you is changing so fast that you feel like you’ve been transported to an alien planet every time the TV slips off TBS and the president is going to be a skinny young black guy who’s middle name is Hussein. There is enough grumbling around the breakfast bar at your average Denny’s to be detectable with seismic recorders.
Ok, this post was awesome. I have waited 20 minutes for a breakfast sandwich from DD as well. It boggles the mind.
Jim - That’s a valid point. And, now I feel better, because while I will certainly get old, and I can dig being working class, due to the fact that I’m Korean, I’ll never hit the Trifecta of old, white & working class. This is excellent news.
Molly - Thanks! We’ve actually given up and remembered the art of MAKING breakfast. Yes, I toasted bread this morning. Okay, I was running late and I only toasted it for about 4 seconds before slathering on cream cheese, but it’s the thought that counts.
Leave a Comment