Entries from August 2008 ↓

When I go on vacation, it’s hard to come back.

I love my job, but the day before it’s time to return, I start fantasizing about becoming a multimillionaire.

I know, I know, it’s a cheap trick. The lottery is not going to happen, I’m not going to discover a previously latent miraculous Texas Hold ‘em gene, and my biological family is not going to reappear with a tiara and a briefcase stuffed with the deeds to a Korean Empire, which I’m due to inherit pending a blood test and an intensive session with Rosetta Stone.

It would just be so great to never have to think about money again. House? Sure. Private jet? Okay. Person to FLY the private jet? Yes, we have that, too.

But here’s the thing. I don’t think that people with evil empires ever stop thinking about money. You always have to buy something. Troops to put down rebellions, masons to fix your fortress walls, weapons of mass destruction. These things are expensive. And you can’t always rely on taxes, they just generate more rebellions and a higher military payroll.

So, how to do you fund your world domination? Do you have to fund raise or seek out private investors? Perish the thought. Should you sell goods and impose a high tariff? No! That will only lead to strip malls & smugglers. Smugglers can be useful, but what are you going to do with a strip mall?

Here’s my solution: if you have a talent, sell it! This is called “employment”. Or, if you’re extra-talented, you can work from home, charge more per hour, and call it “consulting”. That way, you can fund your empire faster. And here’s the best personal finance advice that I have ever heard – I hear it frequently, actually, from my husband, because it’s something he feels strongly about.

If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it. Use your credit to build it, but don’t spend what you can’t cover. Borrow if you have to pay for life, but be responsible and reasonable about your spending. Save your shekels, or invest them wisely. Suze Orman I’m not, but the lady has a point.

The only other good personal finance alternative I can think of is a life of crime. This pays even better than consulting, but slush funds are so hard to hide, and if you don’t have a good getaway driver, you can just forget it.

In conclusion, the best possible career path to fund your world domination is to become a consultant on how to live a life of crime (like if Suze Orman had a mafia persona), and then invest your proceeds far, far away from all of your students.

Image Credit: gold bars, purchase your own riot suit here & mask.

I just experienced a week of no blogging, with a near-total break from internet and my regular forms of online communication. And, while the time off was relaxing and replenishing in many ways, I’ve discovered that I’ve got to blog. This started as a hobby but has become an outlet, without which I feel voiceless and pretty cranky.

I started this blog because of my growing interest in social media and online networking. Also, blogs are great. You can write about any topic that you know something about – you can even plot to take over the world. (I know, you’re thinking, ‘What sick, twisted individual would ever attempt that,’ but I’VE SEEN IT DONE.)

Anyway, now that I’ve moved through the 6 stages of grief (well, denial and crankiness, it’s been awhile since AP Psych), I’ve compiled a list of 10 Signs that You’re a Die-Hard Social Media User. There are really only 8, I never made it to any of the AP Maths.

1. You sign in to Twitter and see that someone is engaging in a pickle relish war. Instead of wondering why the heck she is writing about this (possibly still all relished-up), you think it is fantastic and immediately @ them, asking for the outcome.
2. A friend from college leaves you a voice mail, and you respond with a Facebook wall post.
3. Logging into your Google Reader is like fresh air after being squashed in a closet for 4 hours, under an old wedding dress and a pile of sheets. (Anyone who successfully played hide-and-go-seek as a child understands this comparison.)
4. You start to break down your work emails into short, accessible paragraphs using the word “you” whenever possible to engage the reader. You eliminate every unnecessary phrase, and become impatient with the word “however.”
5. You track your followers, site views, RSS subscribers, connections, friends, fans, etc. for more than one site. (ex. Facebook, Plurk, LinkedIn) If there is a god, and he or she is kind to you, you will only do this briefly.
6. You’ve gained confidence in your writing ability. (Although if you’re a good writer/blogger, you keep checking out other people’s blogs to learn more.)
7. You network, register your social identity or your blog on multiple sites, and never hesitate to comment when you can contribute something useful.
8. You come back from vacation, and find yourself sitting on your balcony with your tomato plants, writing a blog post before you’ve unpacked.

Speaking of which, I’ve got to go unpack. Glad to be back, and please do remember to surrender all conquered villages and towns to your local Leanne Heller Center for Evil Blogs and Aspiring World-Conquerors.

You can tell it’s one of mine because it says USPS on the front of it. What, you say? That’s the post office. That’s right. That’s just what we WANT you to think.