Funding Your Empire

When I go on vacation, it’s hard to come back.

I love my job, but the day before it’s time to return, I start fantasizing about becoming a multimillionaire.

I know, I know, it’s a cheap trick. The lottery is not going to happen, I’m not going to discover a previously latent miraculous Texas Hold ‘em gene, and my biological family is not going to reappear with a tiara and a briefcase stuffed with the deeds to a Korean Empire, which I’m due to inherit pending a blood test and an intensive session with Rosetta Stone.

It would just be so great to never have to think about money again. House? Sure. Private jet? Okay. Person to FLY the private jet? Yes, we have that, too.

But here’s the thing. I don’t think that people with evil empires ever stop thinking about money. You always have to buy something. Troops to put down rebellions, masons to fix your fortress walls, weapons of mass destruction. These things are expensive. And you can’t always rely on taxes, they just generate more rebellions and a higher military payroll.

So, how to do you fund your world domination? Do you have to fund raise or seek out private investors? Perish the thought. Should you sell goods and impose a high tariff? No! That will only lead to strip malls & smugglers. Smugglers can be useful, but what are you going to do with a strip mall?

Here’s my solution: if you have a talent, sell it! This is called “employment”. Or, if you’re extra-talented, you can work from home, charge more per hour, and call it “consulting”. That way, you can fund your empire faster. And here’s the best personal finance advice that I have ever heard – I hear it frequently, actually, from my husband, because it’s something he feels strongly about.

If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it. Use your credit to build it, but don’t spend what you can’t cover. Borrow if you have to pay for life, but be responsible and reasonable about your spending. Save your shekels, or invest them wisely. Suze Orman I’m not, but the lady has a point.

The only other good personal finance alternative I can think of is a life of crime. This pays even better than consulting, but slush funds are so hard to hide, and if you don’t have a good getaway driver, you can just forget it.

In conclusion, the best possible career path to fund your world domination is to become a consultant on how to live a life of crime (like if Suze Orman had a mafia persona), and then invest your proceeds far, far away from all of your students.

Image Credit: gold bars, purchase your own riot suit here & mask.