Casting Out Invaders

The Invading Army: When my husband and I moved to our new apartment in February, we believed that we had selected an impenetrable fortress, secure and protected. It had an extensive alarm system, it was off the ground floor, and there were paid security archers guarding the building from the roof.

Perhaps that last part is a lie. Anyway, I thought that my castle was closed to usurping invaders. Unfortunately, I underestimated the enemy. This afternoon, I was faced with a disturbing and totally gross situation.

My pepper plants were swarming with teeny little bright green aphids. It was a horde of genuine destruction – they suck the lifeblood out of your citizens (or pepper plants) and spread disease among your people (or tomato plants).

Now, to take a step back, let me say that I’ve always liked aphids. I’ve even felt sorry for them. They know what it’s like to live under a reign of terror – there is a species of ant that makes them their pets and uses them as cattle. How demeaning. One day, you’re a life-sucking monster of epic proportions. The next, you’re a bug-cow.

But, after being seriously creeped out by the hundreds of tiny little moving specks, I quashed my reservations and prepared to fight. In war, you’ve got to be ruthless.

Here is what you should do when you’re faced with an attack.

First, identify your enemy. After Googling in a red haze for about 30 seconds, I identified the menacing (1 to 3 millimeters long) beasts as aphids, or “greenflies.”

Second, find out its weaknesses. Aphids are susceptible to Insecticidal Soap or horticultural oils which essentially cause them to explode. This is only one of the many weaknesses you can exploit. Enemies almost always have a weak point, ideally one that will make them explode.

Third, create a plan of counter-attack. Here are my options:

• Negotiation. Unfortunately, the aphids aren’t responding to my peaceful attempts, and they utterly ignored the goodwill ambassador I sent in to open peace talks. (i.e. my cat.)
• Forcibly remove the enemy. In my case, this involves spraying them with a powerful stream of water much like turning a fire hose on a pack of misbehaving dalmatians.
• As mentioned above, engage in biological warfare. Soap, oils, or pesticides are bad news for these insects.
• Use guerrilla tactics. Decimate the population and kill off its offspring. Aphids are actually born pregnant (I know, I know!) so they breed fast, and mature quickly. This step may involve some sacrifice. I may have to part with a pepper plant or two to contain the infestation. This approach is to be avoided, as it’s kind of like throwing the baby out with the bathwater, but it can be necessary.
• And lastly, consider bringing someone in to eat their army. Be prepared to deal with the consequences of this new partnership, though – you may end up with a bigger pest to contend with. For example, aphids have natural predators, Ladybirds, hoverflies or minute pirate bugs. The last seems the most interesting. Should you hire pirates to take care of your dirty work? Is that really ethical? And are they really pirates if they don’t have peg legs and hats?

Pirate	Pirate Bug

Your options will likely be different from these, but in a pinch, these will work for you as well.

The bottom line is, no fortress is impenetrable. Be prepared to react well. When threatened with invaders, check out your options. Don’t lose your head, and don’t despair. Learn from the experience and use this knowledge to protect yourself in the future. At the least, don’t be afraid to put up a good fight.