Leanne is out of the office. If you happen to take over the world this week, please be prepared to return it promptly at 8am on August 2nd.
If this is an emergency and you need to contact me, please click your heels together three times, chant a relevant mantra, and hope for the best.
Due to an unprecedented population explosion of inexplicable wildlife, I will be off hunting snarks. It’s their season, you know.
Contrary to popular belief, snarks nullify the effects of time-travel, space-travel and the internet. So, while I’m away, I will not be checking email, facebook, twitter or sundry other high-tech communication devices.
Letters sent via courier pigeon will (as always) reach me and be responded to in kind. European swallows also recommended.
Thank you, and have a terrific week.
- Leanne
Click here for a comprehensive analysis of the elusive snark, which has evolved to emulate the distinctive qualities of the boojum in the interest of self-preservation, much like the viceroy and the monarch butterflies.
Contains spoilers for Harry Potter 7, Dark Knight & Avatar, the Last Airbender
In fiction, the self-sacrificing hero dies to save the village, the kingdom, the world.
Sometimes he (or she, but let’s keep it simple) comes back resurrection-style, evil is vanquished, and hope springs eternal. At least until the sequel.
If the hero doesn’t die, he still has to give up something near and dear to him. His family. His normal existence. His ability to sleep at night. His physical well-being. His reputation as a good, sane citizen.
In The Dark Knight, the new Batman movie with Christian Bale and Maggie Gyllenhaal (contented sigh), title character Bruce Wayne takes the blame for several murders, in order to preserve justice and to keep the Bad Guys from winning.
He sacrifices the city’s good opinion of him (already questionable, but now irrevocably notorious) and accepts that he will live a hunted and persecuted life, at least by night.
The conclusion of Nickelodeon’s animated series Avatar begins with Aang, playful master of the four elements, trying to accept that he must sacrifice his own spiritual needs and well-being for world peace and the end of a tyrant’s rule. That seems a bit harsh for a cartoon, but it’s a tough world full of powerful people, and sometimes you’ve just got to listen to the turtle-lion and make a choice.
J.K. Rowling’s now-famous protagonist Harry Potter goes as far as to attempt to commit passive suicide (walking into a baited death-trap) to end the killing of innocents.
This is a recurring theme in stories. Nobility, sacrifice and good triumphing over evil as the result.
Sure, this is fiction. But if you want to rule the world, should you be willing to sacrifice to save it?
Stop right there, don’t go out and martyr yourself to prove you’re all noble, that’s a horrible overreaction plus I’d have to stop writing blog posts for some ridiculous legal reason. What I’m getting at here is the question: Does heroism always have to include some form of sacrifice?
What do you think? Can you be a hero without giving something up? If that’s the case, could you risk your safety, your investments, your health? Could you sacrifice people’s good opinion of you to do something right, without being given the chance to explain your actions? Especially if you really cared about their opinions, and had a strong sense of fair play?
A more extreme scenario - could you live a lie and face the hatred of everyone who knew you forever, knowing they were wrong, but that your name would never be cleared, all for the good of the world?
It was my birthday this week. Another year on this earth, and no one has set me on fire or stoned me to death yet. Just when I’m thinking that we’re politically going to hell in a handbasket, I have these thoughts, and feel comforted.
Three of my birthday presents had to do with books. Four, if you count the headphones that I’m going to use to block out sounds of Grand Theft Auto IV while I’m reading. (I had to stop playing GTA4 because I had a slight issue with separating the game from reality, as evidenced by my renewed desire to scrape my car along cars that are parked in ridiculous places.)
The first two were, big surprise, books.
The third was a membership to booksfree.com, which is a service for books that is like Netflix for movies, or Gamefly for video game rental.
You browse their selection or search for books you want to read, add them to your queue and they are mailed to you based on availability. Like Netflix, you can rate your books, and then it will make recommendations based on your preferences.
You receive & return books via USPS (postage prepaid) and for a monthly fee, you have them for as long as you want them. I am a ravenous reader, so I am on the 6 books-at-a-time plan. As a world dominator, you need to keep up on your reading, be it books, blogs or billboards.
So far, I’ve found their selection to be pretty good - this is not amazon.com, but in addition to the more popular authors, I was able to find some of my more esoteric books, like Allison Weir’s Innocent Traitor of Lady Jane Grey, who is interesting because she was crowned queen for just 9 days.
Look out, those of you planning to reinstate the monarchy. Your reign may be brief.
The point is, this is a great idea. I’m not sure how the service will be yet, but I’ve already received 3 email notifications that my books have shipped (It’s not SPAM, just 1 per book). The interface is pretty easy to use, especially if you are familiar with Netflix. I am eager to see how prompt their shipping is, and how quickly my returned books will be processed.
So far, my only complaint is that the recommendations repeat different versions of the same book (example, six Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkabans), & seem to forget that you’ve already rated it, so you’ve probably read it. Possibly, this will be less of a problem once I’ve rated more books, and as their selection grows.
While this service doesn’t quite have me belting out Butterfly in the Sky Lavar Burton-style, it’s pretty neat, and deserves a second look.
Check it out, and let me know what you think.
More reasons to check out booksfree.com:
Constant flow of the books you want.
Convenience of having books mailed to you, and being able to return them in any mailbox slot.
New suggested titles and authors.
You don’t have to face the librarian that read you Winnie the Pooh when you take out Stephanie Meyer’s sexy “Twilight” (yes, it’s for teens, but it is still pretty hot) or my guilty pleasure books by Philippa Gregory (that minx).
It’s like putting books on hold at the library, and having the librarian drive to your apartment and hand it to you.
Going online to order a book you’re going to rent, rather than buy, is a cost-effective solution to one-time readers that may not want to purchase a book, or the cost-conscious, who may not want to spend $15 on a book they’re not sure they’ll like.
When I was 6 or 7, my parents took us (me and my 2 siblings) to Disney World.
This was back when the old Indiana Jones exhibit was still running, with the big rolling ball and the spikes. I say old school, because I just looked it up, and we did not have a “lava-filled Cavern of Bubbling Death” or “Gates of Doom,” either.
But, the guide DID ask people to come forward to participate.
No, I was more shy at 7, so this is not a cool anecdotal story. Instead, there was a guy who was asked to do an evil laugh. It was very convincing.
Don’t worry. You don’t need an Indiana Jones exhibit to practice your evil laughter. All you need is Rockband, which comes with a microphone and REM’s Orange Crush.
Here is what you do:
Get into the game, select Orange Crush and whatever play level that you’re comfortable with, and then proceed to sing the song, filling in all of the gaps (they show up in gold light) with maniacally evil laughter.
Don’t be shy. You can do it. You’re a Master of the Universe, or at least a MOTU in training. That’s what the game is really for. It’s a tool to hone your Caesar-like skills, so that the next time someone asks for a muahahahahaha to prove your world dominating intentions, you can oblige without fear.
Getting people to come to your blog can be challenging. Even if you have great SEO recommendations, a fantastic tech guy, and decent if not excellent content, there’s still no guarantee that people will hear about your blog.
You can register on blog sites, and try to get your name into directories, be a self-promoting twitterer who constantly links to your blog (or, in what I believe to be Seth Godin’s case, have a fan so into your work that he or she ninjas your name on twitter, and promotes all your entries independently).
You can tell all your friends and acquaintances, comment on thousands of posts a day, and reach out to people you find interesting at events, via email or on facebook, gather.com, LinkedIn or any other form of social media.
I’m trying to do all these things (except for self-promoting and stalking Seth Godin, who does actually deserve an obsessed fan or two, because his advice is generally top notch) and more. But, the most recent addition to my traffic sources is Guy Kawasaki’s categorized blog directory Alltop.com.
Yes, he’s the guy who recently had 250 women bloggers over to his house for a BlogHer party. (Guy’s photo gallery here.) But he’s also a great innovator, with a curious soul that seeks out (and blogs about) interesting things.
If you’re a blogger, writer, or human being that can read, check out Alltop.com. It’s a great resource for new blogs to read, and most of all, you can share in my nerd joy of being listed.
What are your blog directories of choice, or favorite ways to generate traffic?
My laptop and I are carrying on an affair. We meet for 4-5 hours a day, and engage in clandestine blogging, networking and reading.
Sometimes we look at racy pictures.
My poor bulky desktop can’t even write to me to patch things up, because about a month ago, I accidentally disconnected it from the internet, so it’s pretty much incommunicado.
I’m facing a similar situation next week. It’s a terrifying prospect: Vacation.
Seriously, I’m grateful for the break. Also, I love visiting with family, and may get the chance to finally meet my sister-in-law’s long-term boyfriend, if he comes along. We met briefly in NYC, but haven’t exchanged more than, I’d say, 6 words? So, I’d like to get to know him better, if only to determine if I can deem him worthy of Cass, who is one of the few sincerely sweet human beings on the planet.
But, back to the issue at hand. No internet. Zeus above, what will I do? All my friends (and I hope, my colleagues) have learned that contacting me via email, Facebook, Twitter, etc. is the fastest way to get a response from me. Other than face-to-face, my communication is strongly reliant on my internet connection.
No, it’s not time for an intervention. And I’ve come up with a solution (or more accurately, my husband has) using his cell phone, my rapidly aging (in old-school SAT analogy format, technology years : people years : : people years : dog years) laptop, and some other hoodoo like standing on my head at midnight.
So, whew! Saved by technology (or am I?) again. As an alternative, I’ve been considering this crazy idea of writing letters. These are those ink-smeared pieces of paper that you crumple into a square and drop in those big blue metal things that your Netflix go into when you’re done with them.
Ooh, snap.
Actually, at some point I plan to write a post on the handwritten letter, and its impact, especially in a technology-addicted world.
As a teaser - if you question the written letter as a valid form of communication in a 2.0 world, think about how great it is when someone sends you a personalized letter.
I actually wrote one of those things while waiting for an appointment today. Someday soon, I might even get stamps and mail it.
Arg (yes, that’s ARG, like a pirate in pain because he stepped on a sea urchin), I’ve got to upgrade my phone plan to include internet.
Everybody has them, even freelancers. You have to meet with clients, prospects, or vendors. If your company is larger, add in staff meetings in all their various forms. You can love them or you can hate them, but you generally can’t skip them.
I am a project coordinator. This means lots of interaction with everyone in my company, some more than others.
Yesterday, this meant that I chased managers around with a notebook, until I received commitments on their quarterly project deadlines. Literally. I actually ended up following one manager to a coffee shop, waited for the team to toss back their shots of wheat grass (next time I might try some - it was pretty alluringly emerald green), and asked again. Persistence, thy name is project coordinator. Sometimes unfortunately.
Planning is like housework. Nobody notices it unless it’s not done right.
Likewise, meetings. Sometimes a 15 min chat helps you find out about a little snag that someone didn’t think worth mentioning, but which will affect 10 other people, and wind up causing an enormous brouhaha if you don’t fix it while it’s small.
Despite this, even I have my limits. I had more meetings this week than time at my desk. Granted, it’s the start of a new quarter, so, project-wise, it’s my busiest time. But not everyone knows that, and sometimes I think my co-workers are all wondering what the hell I do all day.
In any case, I’ve found that, among all the meetings you can have, there are only about 4 types that are worth attending.
The Company Meeting. Generally, space these out. Remind your employees of the big company goals. Reaching these goals is the aim of all of their day-to-day work and projects. For the sake of the children, please feed and water your people during this session if it’s over 20 minutes. Also, this is a very bad time to call someone out, whatever your level. Save that for a one-on-one.
The Meeting with Your Boss. I happen to have one of these every day. The meeting is beneficial to me, because my projects change quickly, and my boss’ feedback helps me to prioritize and to coordinate with the rest of my co-workers, so everything goes smoothly.
This would not work for everyone. The boss that can communicate that much, without any micromanaging, is rare.
The Meetings with Your Co-Workers. These are invaluable. Keep them informal, and a lot of useful information can be exchanged. Then, you’re more aware of what is going on in other parts of the company and you can make better decisions.
DANGER - don’t let productivity turn to chatter, and try not to get so comfortable with someone that you spill your guts - and all that confidential info from your finance (or whatever) meeting. My biggest problem with this is that I start weighing my co-workers feelings and preferences too heavily into my decisions. Consideration is good, but to excess, it can reduce your efficiency.
The Meeting with Your Vendors or Your Clients. I have a fair amount of meetings (usually phone) with vendors. I do not usually meet with clients, although those are also important. My favorite vendors are the ones who email, and promptly, but at times it’s quicker to get on the phone and hash things out.
First off, I wish I had an Evil League of Evil. I would hire laser robots (thanks for the thought, Jim Dowd) and Andy Samberg’sLaser Cats to patrol our fortress. Although I favor Andy’s digital short with Natalie Portman over Laser Cats. But she is too busy to patrol my fortress. It’s too bad - Natalie Portman with lasers is awe-inspiring.
What is the Evil League of Evil? Apparently, they’re a committee of mad-scientist, aspiring world-dominator-types.
I’m watching Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, writer & producer Joss Whedon’s internet video series, starring Neil Patrick Harris as Dr. Horrible. It’s funny and entertaining in a Flight of the Conchords kind of way, although Neil Patrick Harris will always be Doogie Howser M.D. in my book. Even as I type this, I have the theme playing in my head.
In FACT, here it is, everyone.
I’m really sorry, Neil Patrick Harris. I’m compelled.
Anyway, Dr. Horrible is a videoblogging not-quite supervillain, intent on foiling superhero Nathan Fillion, from Firefly.
Dr. Horrible wants to rule the world, but can’t quite pull of the required caper. I feel like he and I would really connect on a visceral level.
Even supervillains are blogging these days. Social media has arrived.
I’m watching Rescue Dawn, the part where they’re all working together to light a fire with brush, sticks & elbow grease. This is right before they tie Christian Bale to a tree and start firing pot shots at him. Waste of ammo. Christian Bale is BATMAN, and cannot be stopped with mere bullets.
So, maybe I’m confusing movies.
In any case, lighting that fire sure looks like a lot of effort. And what does fire get you? Light and warmth. When I come home, I turn on the lights, and adjust the temperature to a comfortable level. Yes, this is decadent. (It would be MORE decadent if Christian Bale was still involved, but you can’t have everything.) But it’s also easy.
Climate control and electricity came with the house. They come with a lot of houses these days. I don’t even have a gas stove anymore (which is good, because when I did, the cats turned it on at night because when you’re a cat, homicide is fun).
The only interaction with fire that I have these days (knock wood) is when I want to make the air more fragrant with a Yankee Candle, or in case there are some secret intelligence reports that need to be destroyed.
You might know about Prometheus. He was a Titan, and apparently an old softie, because in the Greek myths he defied the gods and gave fire to mankind. He was given two punishments: a sister-in-law and he had to have his liver ripped out painfully each night, after which it would regenerate, for the next night.
We’ve come a long way from the days were having fire was worth risking torture or in-laws. Fire is not the only amenity we’ve grown used to.
I’m not advocating that we go back to the drawing board. We’ve made advances in civilization that I would not give up willingly. I’m typing this entry on one of them.
But have we taken things too far? If we were suddenly blasted back to the start, maybe through warfare, or continued environmental devastation, could we rise to the occasion? Who would survive? Who would you want to survive? Could you?
Garbage tells it truly. The world is not enough. But, it is such a perfect place to start.
Okay, all you over-achievers out there. Time to step it up.
The world is not enough. This guide is meant to help you world dominatrices everywhere increase your bases of power, until you can chuckle softly into the night, secure in the knowledge that you have created an Unconquerable Empire.
But why stop at that? There are entire galaxies to explore.
What? You say. There aren’t any other planets with sentient life. What’s the point in taking over empty galaxies?
You are looking in the wrong place for your real estate, my friend.
Take a look at Second Life. People are spending real money on virtual real estate. They can’t ever go there in physical form. They can’t ever vacation there, or house their family there.
They can, however, turn a profit.
People are buying real estate in Second Life, breaking it up into parcels of land, and then selling it for a profit. So, not only do we have people buying something that isn’t there, but we have people reselling it to other people, thus giving it value.
This is not an uncommon system. Take a look at the stock market.
Semi-accurate crash course in the stock market according to Leanne Heller: Company A is worth a bundle. But Company A’s stock is worth MORE than a bundle. This is because the stock’s worth is based on what people are willing to pay, or what they THINK the company is worth. So, people are constantly inflating (or deflating) a company’s stock based on the value that others assign to it, based on the expectation of profitability.
If people find value in real estate on Second Life, it has a value. If you think about it, the actual world’s real estate system is almost as absurd as Second Life’s virtual system.
If people say it has value, should you own it? Is it worth jumping on the bandwagon and purchasing imaginary real estate because other people are willing to buy it? Millions of investors say yes.
Or will it end up like the tulip crash in Holland? That was when the assigned value of tulips increased exponentially, to the point of ridiculousness, and then the bottom dropped out and tulips (and everyone’s investments) were worthless.
When do other people’s opinions of value matter? How do you know when a world is worth dominating? And is this world enough? Or, is it just another place to start?
