Speaking of beheading, Anne Boleyn was a pretty fascinating Dominator of Worlds.
If you’re not familiar with her story, here is Leanne’s Heartless Condensed Version: One day, Anne Boleyn wakes up and says, “I think I’ll become Queen today.” Never mind that there is an existing queen. Never mind that Anne’s sister is already King Henry’s little bon-bon on the side. Or that in order to accomplish her goal, she will need to overthrow the Pope’s Law, England’s alliance with the Spanish Royal Family, and the domestic peace of the nation.
These are just small details. Anne rolls up her silk sleeves, starts taking down names, and gets it done.
…Unfortunately, Anne Boleyn is only the second of Henry VIII’s six wives, so clearly she doesn’t last long. After achieving her dream, Anne, Queen of England, was accused of adultery, treason, and incest. Then – and this should make world-dominators everywhere cringe – her head was cut off.
So, all you aspiring World Leaders, PAY ATTENTION! Before climbing to your summit, ensure that you won’t go down in flames.
Who are your allies? Whom are you overthrowing? Who do you know who is likely to hack of crucial parts off your body? (This one is very important.) What are your real reasons for taking over the world, and what good are you putting out into the universe to balance the good that is coming to you?
Just tuned into to an Anthony Bourdain episode, on the Travel Channel. Appropriately, Anthony is talking about the KGB and world domination. Also mentioned: moles, US agents, execution and mushroom clouds.
While spies and execution are interesting, and worth returning to another day, let’s talk about mushroom clouds.
When I was in high school, I made a painting of a white mushroom while sitting at my kitchen table. I brought the painting to school, and left it on my desk in the art room.
The painting was mistaken for an adolescent’s profound cry of anguish about nuclear warfare, entered into a contest and given a prize.
In retrospect, I realized that they’d mistaken my innocent, juicy mushroom for a noxious mushroom cloud of peril and death.
Takeaway life lessons:
Art is absurd, so enjoy it.
Don’t be afraid to create weird things.
Your weird attempts at creativity may be misunderstood.
Oh Hillary. With your Presidential win, you were supposed to prepare the nation for acceptance of a female leader, thus smoothing my path to total domination.
From your 2007 Sopranos spoof (above) to your recent concession speech (I apologize for the hideously placed ad before this video, if anyone knows where I can get a non-tainted version, please post a comment), you have been my choice for the Democratic nominee. Nothing against Obama, but you are my hero, and I’m sorry to see you go.
What does Hillary Clinton want, and where will she go next? Even after reviewing dozens of articles, I couldn’t tell you. Not being a close & personal friend of Senator Clinton’s, despite my what my Facebook profile might say, I will just have to wait with the rest of the world and find out. If you know of any journalists or Twitter updaters who will be on top of this campaign, in addition to HillaryClinton.com, please post their names and/or links to their publications or blogs, and thanks!
Every week, Diggnation reviews the top stories on Digg.com. The above image is a collage of the topics covered in today’s episode, ranging from the dangers of outdoor filming (killer moths, coyotes & bug-attracting hippie-incense) to senseless acts of t-shirt terrorism. View the episode here: Episode 153 – Jay Adelson’s House Party.
This image is also proof that an art degree + too much time is dangerous. On the bright side, at least I’ll be able to generate my own dictatorial propaganda posters when the need arises.
In any case, I’ve sent this to diggnationfans@gmail.com with hopes that the esteemed Alex Albrecht and Kevin Rose will view it, decide they cannot live without an episode collage each week, and offer me a hefty stipend of Swedish fish, imported salmonhead beer or (nonsalmon) sour patch kids in return for their picture fix, thus freeing up my time for exclusive world-domination.
In an increasingly digital age, our companions and confidants can be people we’ve never met. Forget your nobles and your lackeys – now we have Twitter followers, RSS subscribers and ravenous masses who pass judgments by Digging, Sphinning or StumblingUpon your posts. The instantaneousness and availability of our communication makes acquiring minions easy as falling off a log, and a lot less painful, for yourself and the log.
When I tried a MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role-playing game), I found myself talking to 39 new compatriots in real-time, using Ventrilo. Last night, while watching Barack Obama’s speech, I logged into Twitter and was treated to a live feed (a live tweet?) of the speech about 5 seconds before it occurred on my TV. (Connie Crosby, apparently, you can travel through TIME.)
Chris, I’m going to summarize your comment, because it hurt my head.
“If I destroyed everyone alive and repopulated the world with my followers, is it cheating because the only remaining humans would be genetically altered to be incapable of rebelling against me?”
Before you get carried away and invite all Four Horsemen to your Day of Reckoning party, consider the scope of what you’re planning here. You will have to wipe out the entire human race quickly & cleanly enough that nobody notices until it’s too late. If you can pull this off, you’ll still need to watch your back – somebody might eliminate YOU and use your hard work to set up a dictatorship of her own. When did you say you were planning this again?
Also, you’ll need a crack team of loyal geneticists to alter the human race to your specifications, not to mention workers to restore the world to a livable state after your trigger-happy worldwide May Day, as well as enough resources to maintain yourself and the select population that you choose to keep around.
Wouldn’t it be simpler to subvert the existing population by taking the current system and shaping it to your needs? Look at Alexander the Great.
Or, if it’s too early/late/stultifying to read, watch the movie:
In 323 BC, Alexander conquered the Persian Empire and mingled his culture with that of the defeated, resulting in the Hellenistic Age. Don’t you want an Age? And a nifty title, like So-and-so the Inordinately Clever, or You, the Truly Exceptional?
Note: you may want somebody else to do the actual conquering for you, as Alexander also died in 323 BC after 12 years of campaigning and taking over the known world. Also, the known world’s a lot bigger now, so you might want to get cracking. Lazy git.
For more fun, see Alexander the Great, the Musical Version submitted by petritsi:
There are lyrics, so you can pretend it’s Rockband, which is a great way to make friends with your neighbors.
1. Spewing Nonsense Until Your Quarry’s Soul Withers
Example: Charlie the Unicorn Goes to Candy Mountain
Effectiveness: 3 out of 5.
Difficulty to Achieve: 1 out 5 (swallow that pride, abandon all dignity & get in the van to Candy Mountain.)
My sister and I used this on my dad when we were little in order to score ice cream. Unfortunately, if applied to the wrong type of quarry (i.e. not your dad) this may result in your being slapped, maimed or shot.
The song here is a great illustration of zombie diplomacy, presented in video format as a nod to my old Wow-obsessed days. Killing dragons & backstabbing monsters is a great illusion of world domination, but not quite as fun as the real thing.
3. Be Frighteningly Businesslike but Genuinely Nice
Example: David Wallace (Andy Buckley), the CFO on the Office.
Effectiveness: 4 out of 5 (some people cannot be intimidated, but this is okay, because they can either become your friends, spouse, or previously alive nemeses.)
Difficulty to Achieve: Depends entirely on your confidence, charisma & how you look in suits.
This is the best method by far. Your very existence intimidates people, so you can afford to be nice without worrying about being taken advantage of or written off.
