What do these people all have in common? Well, I’ll tell you.
Google “Leanne Heller”
I dare you.
The top result, invariably, is Dr Leanne Heller - Psychiatrist.
She is my organic SEO Nemesis.
Her website has been around since 1999. It was last modified February 2, 2003.
She volunteers, heals young minds, and breeds Alaskan Malamutes and ferrets. She actually seems like a pretty good person, and ordinarily, I would be proud to share my name with her.
But she’s lousing up my Google ratings. The madness must end. I’ve got to optimize.
My Google Reader subscription list is formidable, and I’ll bet it’s not half as long as some. Everyone has something to say. But when is it worth spending your time listening?
To me, social media is like sitting down next to someone on the bus, and starting up a conversation that might lead anywhere. Except, now, I don’t even have to pay bus fare.
I read blogs because I enjoy conversations where I might learn something. And, a lot of the most interesting people in social media have good things to share,and are worth spending some time talking with, even if you don’t always agree.
Finally, connections are also not a bad thing when you are interested in world domination. You never know when the person you spoke with in Starbucks this morning will turn out to have an army of cunning Mallard ducks, ready to attack by land, sea or air.
Each blog I subscribe to offers something of value to me. Entertainment, wisdom/experience, new ideas in areas I’m interested in, or a way of seeing things that I might not consider if left to my own devices. Check these out if you’re looking for some new food for thought, or if you just want to strike up a good conversation:
When I was in grade school, my presentations always went well.
It had nothing to do with quality of research, sparkly posters, or articulate communication. The secret to my success was knowing my audience.
Every single presentation, be it on Moldova, Jane Austen’s Elizabeth Bennett, or World Religions, was preceded by the liberal distribution of candy or some form of pastry, which was loosely tied back into the presentation in some way.
Apparently, in business, this is called marketing. When you go to see a prospect, you bring them a gift. Quirky, practical, or just something with your brand slapped on it, gifts make companies more memorable. I have a yellow plastic pail (originally, it was filled with cookies) from a vendor that came to visit our company, and I remember them as friendly, accessible and peanut butter flavored… my impressions may have slightly been influenced by their gift.
Food makes a great thank you gift, as well. I’ve given and received boxes of thank you chocolate, and for a reasonable price, you get to show your appreciation, make someone’s day, and feed your office, making it less likely that you’ll be the one sent out when zombies attack and your barricades start to crumble and the Poland Springs guy refuses to deliver. Like last Tuesday.
Gift food for no reason is even better. My mom calls these “pesuñias.” No obligations, no strings attached. M&Ms to cashiers who are having a bad day. A bowl of candy for your co-workers, when you don’t eat candy yourself. (Sacrilege, but this occurs.)
How is all this warm, fuzzy deliciousness relevant to World Domination?
Originally, I had much more modest ambitions: I was going to take over Australia by air-dropping Nutella all over the country, then striking with deadly ninjas while everyone was passed out in chocolate hazelnut bliss.
I still maintain that this might work, if only we could replace those pesky glass jars with plastic. Glass doesn’t air-drop well. We learned this on the trial run, with a small, never-to-be-named island nation, where it’s no longer safe to walk on the beach.
There’s a rumor going around my office that the paper cutter would make a pretty good weapon. In the immortal words of Montell Jordan, This is How We Do it:
Put it on the floor
Hold onto the handle
Step on the square part while yanking upwards
Try to manage this without slicing off your feet, or vital parts of the person in the cube next to you, who leans in to find out what you’re doing. Note: I do not recommend this for people who would like to keep their jobs.
The co-worker who suggested this is not a violent person. She does not suffer from madness, or rage black-outs. She has just found her perfect weapon, while also rendering a standard office tool multifunctional. That’s talent.
So, what does this tell us?
Your weapon does not need to be a thousand dollar sword, hand-crafted and imported. It does not have to be shiny, sharp, or even tangible. Luke Skywalker used the Force - although, admittedly, he also had a light-saber.
My husband claims I have an eyebrow raise that lacerates. Blunt objects, motor cars, flower pots on the head, you name it, someone will try it. People use manipulation, Gatling guns, even hordes of adorable puppies. (Oh, it’s been done.)
With this in mind, I’d like to close with words of wisdom from an old acquaintance, a level 70 Tauren Hunter who went by the cheerful name of “Desolator:”
Few things on earth are less pleasant than waiting at a doctor’s office. You’re there for a shot, to get blood drawn, because you’re sick, or because you have the unfortunate condition of hypochondria.
My solution? Let your mind run wild. Let it rove down those ghastly plains of your imagination, creating ridiculous ideas from commonplace settings.
For example: On the way to get blood drawn (because A: I have a new physician or B: there are vampires at home whom I have to feed and I prefer to avoid those unsightly neck wounds), I found myself waiting in the lobby, hanging out by the koi pond. It was a nice one, with waterfalls, turtles and big, fat orange and white fish.
Hello, I thought at the fish, because talking out loud to a fish pond is a little socially questionable and the doctor’s office is not a great place to appear crazy, because they have a large stock of straitjackets.
At any rate, I received no response. Apparently, one of us possessed shoddy telepathic abilities. I’m not blaming the koi fish here, but somebody clearly wasn’t doing their share of mental effort in order to bridge the mind/space continuum.
Anyway, what are your mental waiting games? Please give me insight into what is going on in all those other peoples’ heads when we’re all stuck in the waiting room!
In the course of building your Empire, you will face many important decisions, including but not limited to:
Who will be your majordomo?
Where will you keep your treasure chest of unspeakably delicious gold doubloons?
What will be the make and model of your Batmobile?
To make this decision, logical decisions based on accurate market research are key.
Unfortunately, I do not own hundreds of cars, and a series of test drives would leave dealerships around the world in shambles. This would also lead to a shortage of vehicles, which would mean more people would carpool, and then oil companies would hire mercenaries to hack off my head.
Using a sophisticated metrics system (i.e. attempting to stay on the road), I tested a series of cars including a Honda Civic and a shiny black Ford Mustang.
Race photos here:
After several more races, one thing became clear.
The only Batmobile I should REALLY be riding is this:
People are interested in horoscopes for a lot of reasons. You have a connection to the stars or the occult. You have a desire to improve yourself as a human being. Or, (and this is a fun one) you possess an over-abundance of good, healthy narcissism.
I am interested in horoscopes because mine has always been pretty spot on, even taking into account the tendency to favorably adapt or interpret, or self-fulfilling prophecy. And, although this may be news to the current Presidents, Kings and Czarinas of the world, the stars have always been crystal clear on the fact that I plan to take over the world:
Sun sign: You are ambitious and desirous of prominent positions. (Well, yes. See blog title.)
Ascendant: Your life will be in many ways influenced by decisions you make that have been motivated by your desire for power and for authority. A life full of chance and circumstances will be the outcome of your desire to rule, to organize, to hold the keys of authority. You implement ideas with a self-assurance that lets nothing get in your way of success. (Speaks for itself.)
The Moon’s position indicates that it can be expected that you will be successful in positions that call for solitude or remote locations. (See past post, Your Base of Unspeakable Evil.)
Apparently, I also tend to be a wee tad emotional, and I need to stop trusting everyone to be candid and sincere. In future, perhaps I should button up my sensitivities and devote some valuable time to really nurturing my paranoid delusions.
To find out your own destiny, get a Personal Portrait (short report is free). Post an excerpt of your horoscope, showing you to be well on the path to glory and conquest, or questions about how to balance aspects of your personality in order to best achieve world domination.
Speaking of beheading, Anne Boleyn was a pretty fascinating Dominator of Worlds.
If you’re not familiar with her story, here is Leanne’s Heartless Condensed Version: One day, Anne Boleyn wakes up and says, “I think I’ll become Queen today.” Never mind that there is an existing queen. Never mind that Anne’s sister is already King Henry’s little bon-bon on the side. Or that in order to accomplish her goal, she will need to overthrow the Pope’s Law, England’s alliance with the Spanish Royal Family, and the domestic peace of the nation.
These are just small details. Anne rolls up her silk sleeves, starts taking down names, and gets it done.
…Unfortunately, Anne Boleyn is only the second of Henry VIII’s six wives, so clearly she doesn’t last long. After achieving her dream, Anne, Queen of England, was accused of adultery, treason, and incest. Then - and this should make world-dominators everywhere cringe - her head was cut off.
So, all you aspiring World Leaders, PAY ATTENTION! Before climbing to your summit, ensure that you won’t go down in flames.
Who are your allies? Whom are you overthrowing? Who do you know who is likely to hack of crucial parts off your body? (This one is very important.) What are your real reasons for taking over the world, and what good are you putting out into the universe to balance the good that is coming to you?
Just tuned into to an Anthony Bourdain episode, on the Travel Channel. Appropriately, Anthony is talking about the KGB and world domination. Also mentioned: moles, US agents, execution and mushroom clouds.
While spies and execution are interesting, and worth returning to another day, let’s talk about mushroom clouds.
When I was in high school, I made a painting of a white mushroom while sitting at my kitchen table. I brought the painting to school, and left it on my desk in the art room.
The painting was mistaken for an adolescent’s profound cry of anguish about nuclear warfare, entered into a contest and given a prize.
In retrospect, I realized that they’d mistaken my innocent, juicy mushroom for a noxious mushroom cloud of peril and death.
Takeaway life lessons:
Art is absurd, so enjoy it.
Don’t be afraid to create weird things.
Your weird attempts at creativity may be misunderstood.
Oh Hillary. With your Presidential win, you were supposed to prepare the nation for acceptance of a female leader, thus smoothing my path to total domination.
From your 2007 Sopranos spoof (above) to your recent concession speech (I apologize for the hideously placed ad before this video, if anyone knows where I can get a non-tainted version, please post a comment), you have been my choice for the Democratic nominee. Nothing against Obama, but you are my hero, and I’m sorry to see you go.
What does Hillary Clinton want, and where will she go next? Even after reviewing dozens of articles, I couldn’t tell you. Not being a close & personal friend of Senator Clinton’s, despite my what my Facebook profile might say, I will just have to wait with the rest of the world and find out. If you know of any journalists or Twitter updaters who will be on top of this campaign, in addition to HillaryClinton.com, please post their names and/or links to their publications or blogs, and thanks!
