Entries from May 2008 ↓

“I’m undecided about where the best place for my base of unspeakable evil should be located. Do I go for the far side of the Moon, or deep underwater?”

Posted by John on 05.30.08 at 7:32 am

First off, congratulations on realizing that a base of unspeakable evil is 100% necessary to world domination.

Although the far side of the Moon and a deep underwater bunker are ambitious locations that are have the benefit of being free, suitably devious and relatively difficult to raze, pillage or conquer, I would advise against selecting a base lacking the more basic amenities, such as an easily renewable supply of air.

The good news is that you don’t have to wait for the perfect time and place to begin your world takeover. It’s always the right time for conquest! In fact, in this crazy age of online media, it is increasingly easy to begin, whether you are working from a secret hovercraft circling the skies of eastern Europe or from a study carrel in your local library.

What can you do from a study carrel? Start creating an evil base of power. Posting on someone else’s blog is a good start. Go to Alltop.com to browse blogs by category, sign up for twitter, Digg.com, Facebook or LinkedIn. The result? A portable, virtual base of operations, evil or otherwise.

“I’m concerned that I may have too many vestigial moral concepts, foisted on me by “society.” Will these interfere with my attempts at world domination? How can I eliminate them?”

Comment by Jasper McChesney
http://www.breakforsense.net | jasper@breakforsense.net

First off, good to hear from you & thanks for posting :)

You CAN succeed at global conquest without ever compromising your morality. In fact, I believe this is an age of cynicism, when a sincere, intelligent statement with a shot of humor can be the most effective way to communicate.

If you’ve adopted a full-blown “societal” moral code as your credo, to Live & to Die for, you’re going to hit some more snags. What these will be depends entirely on which society you’ve adopted. I’d suggest applying common sense (that’s the little voice in the back of your head that says, “Hey, don’t touch that cactus it’s POINTY,” right before you pet the cactus anyway and make your index finger bleed) before you add a belief to your Personal Dogma Toolbox.

It is also helpful to check your country’s federal regulations & extradition treaties prior to making any serious breaks with accepted moral policies, but that’s a minor detail of little importance.

For a sterner solution, bear in mind that eliminating those who object to you forsaking your morals is almost as good as eliminating the morals themselves. Helpful Guide Tip #1? Don’t get caught.

You are interested in World Domination as a hobby, sport or an excuse to quit your job. You are determined to use your powers for good, ultimately saving the world. You are evil in a harmless (so you say), clever sort of way. You are simply stranded on a desert island with nothing else to read.

There is no bad reason to pursue World Domination. Perhaps you want minions. Other good goals are owning a palace, making people call you El Presidente, and having the power to rename entire countries at your whim. (Ex: If angered by the local government, Argentina shall now be called “Potatoes.”)

Future Guide posts will cover interesting projects, marketing attempts, reading people’s behavior (or, if that’s too tough, planting trackers in their livers and assassinating them on cold, foggy nights), good things to buy, good things to bury & never speak of again, good people to bury & never speak of again, and pretty much, whatever else you’re interested in, as relating to World Domination.

Post your interests, and we’ll try to tie them in. What do you want to hear about? What do you want to learn?